The League of Female Owners
Come one! Come all! Ladies, Women, Panty Wearers, Thotty-O’s, Girlfriends and left-hand ring bearers; Gentleman, Boys, Bros, Boyfriends, Players, Thugs and left-hand ring bearers.
We, The League, have re-opened the arena.
It has been said that there is a point in a woman’s life where she goes through a phase of trying to figure out what type of man is for her, but no one ever defined what that phase is or the standard. So, The League decided to create the standard instead.
When the average person thinks of dating, we typically think date- to work towards marriage. Then there are others who think of dating as a game though. A game of baseball and they play the field. In turn, we hear ‘dating game’, and we think basketball.
But when members of The League of Female Owners discuss basketball, we are seldom talking about NBA teams. So, now we talking teams?
Yes, we are going to ‘talk teams’. The League has taken a different approach and is saying this about the phase. The standard is: Do. You. Boo. Boo.
But, if you want to become a part of The League of Female Owners then you must first message @millennial_star via twitter with, I pledge allegiance to the league.
The next steps are as follows:
Scout out a few recruits for the Madness. Scroll through your phone, bait and switch via twitter, join bumble/soul swipe/tinder, you could even go the old school route by going out and meeting people or a simple “Hey big head” sent via text. Once you have recruited some players proceed to step two.1
Get to know your team, find out what gets them going, what hinders them, become one with each player knowing that it is necessary to be besties because of course they are in the league competing with not only their teammates but other teams created by The League. Know them well enough to know when to move them and which recruits will make the cut. This is the trickiest step because you don’t know which way this phase is going to go, should you run into any issues please follow the guidelines outlined in 2.1 through 2.5.
Guideline 2.1: Should you end up getting to know a player that just isn’t cutting it, cut him off. Do not try to trade him either, we don’t want him in any part of The League. Cut him off. Should he get picked up by another team elsewhere, so be it. But no trading.
Guideline 2.2: Should you end up with the player who always wants to be on the field but has no experience. Bench him immediately. You make sure he is the one carrying the water for the other players to drink, he is heating up the bench for when the others get tired and/or he is simply sitting on the bench and never talking to the coach or the owner.
Guideline 2.3: If you have a player who is always bragging but doesn’t actually produce or put any points on the board, he is automatically second string. He may only leave the bench if another player gets tired.
Guideline 2.4: If you should become annoyed or tired with any of the recruits be sure to put them in the stands. If you bench them there is a chance that you may get pissed off at another player and become petty enough to induce competition by pulling that annoying bench player onto the court; don’t be tempted, simply move him to the stands.
Guideline 2.5: Should you get to know each one of them and find that none of them should be playing on your team. Send them to the sidelines, and whether you want them court side or nosebleeds is totally up to you. Figure out a different recruitment strategy.
Now that you know your recruits it is time for you to place them into their positions. No need to actually study basketball ladies, I’ve got you covered- Please use the reference sheet2 provided below:
*Point Guard = Chris Paul/Russell Westbrook
*Shooting Guard = Kobe Bryant/Dwayne Wade
*Small Forward = LeBron James/Paul Pierce
*Power Forward = Blake Griffin/Kevin Love
*Center = Dwight Howard/DeMarcus Cousins
Guideline 3.1: Choosing your Point Guard. This player will be the one whose only goal is to keep you happy no matter what it takes. This player will laugh at your corny jokes, play victim but also hit you hard with the comebacks keeping a smile on your face and possibly waking you up with good morning texts every day.
Guideline 3.2: Choosing your Shooting Guard. This is the position that must be studied hard; and evaluated on a consistent basis because this is typically your most valuable player and is also the one who is calling the shots. Usually the one putting up the most points and typically offensive in their prowess. This player will also be looking to score as many points as possible, but will make you feel as though he is controlling the game (even though we all know who owns the team).
Guideline 3.3: Choosing your Small Forward is intense because this player is often moving too quickly for you to keep up. Which is why we advised you to learn all players prior to. He is typically the one that is down for anything, when you move, he moves, when you call, he comes and when you want to see him, that is where you will be at any given time.
Guideline 3.4: Choosing your Power Forward is going to be the easiest thing to do. You won’t even have to think twice about this player. He is dependable. You can call on him at 5:00am two cities away and he will come get you. Hell, you could be conducting private lessons at another players’ personal court and he would come get you from there. His rebounding skills are A-1. This is the player who is committed to the team period.
Guideline 3.5: Choosing your Center. This is also one of the easier tasks because choosing this position is solely based upon the shallowest of all things, looks. This player is the one the people refer to as Big Fella. You will recognize him when you’re recruiting because you won’t be able to stop discussing with other owners how strong he is, how tall he is and how flexible he is. You can bet on him.
Once you have established your team, you have become official in The League. You can link up with your girlfriends or other owners and discuss thoughts on players, look up player histories, and you may even write in (@millennial_star) for a second evaluation of your team. Most owners compare their players to other players in The League to see how they match up on a local, state, national and international level.
Some women might have more than five players, which is okay because you may need some bench players. Please read the following guidelines:
Guideline 4.1: In the event that you have more than five quality recruits that you want to keep as players. Bench them. Simply keep them motivated enough for them to keep trying while also making sure that they are aware that they are bench players.3
Guideline 4.2: Trading is valuable and will encourage you to change your requirements for recruits. Your views may change while you’re participating in The League and it is natural that you grow in personal development as an owner. The end goal for most owners is to win the championship and get a ring. For other owners, it is about the recognition and avoiding retirement.
Guideline 4.3: There is no such thing as too many bench players. There are going to be times when you have to bench your starters, dismiss players to the stands, ban players from the arena and sometimes you may even have to ban them from The League.
Guideline 4.4: If you find yourself in the middle of the season and you are being pressed to conduct recruitment, be open. You never know what type of other talent is out there. Besides, not one player on your team has gotten you that championship ring yet.
Guideline 4.5: Be patient with your players, assist them in developing their talents as often as you see fit and are able. Keep track of points and thoughts, process these with other owners. There is a high possibility that one of them will get you that championship ring or that you will make a trade and the player will be traded and get that championship ring for another owner.
Throughout the entire season, make sure that you are having fun. Don’t just participate but be involved, attend other games and kickback with other owners. At the end, when you have won that championship ring, you may end up trading all of your players to one of them. You are in charge of your team, own that. Set your standard.
1The league does not accept men found on Christian Singles, Match, Sugar Daddy Arrangements or Black People Meet
2 The reference sheet was not created or intended for women who actually watch and love basketball/NBA, the players chosen in reference were only researched by position. No current nor former NBA players have anything to do with this article.
3Bench Players are a variety of recruits ranging from long distance pen pals, entertainment but never taken too seriously
4Banning players from The League is to be taken seriously. This discussion is to be had between a minimum of two owners and once a player has been banned they cannot return to the league for two years
*No member, player, owner nor sponsor of the NBA nor the NBA as an entity has any affiliation to this article. Photos derived from the internet of celebrities who also have no affiliation. Promotional graphics were approved by those for the sole usage of this article. The League, is not real.